Ohio State Fans Celebrate 10th Anniversary of Bowling Green Massacre

Columbus, OH – Fans of the Buckeyes men’s basketball program took to Twitter yesterday to relive the historic 112-53 blowout win over in-state rival Bowling Green that took place just ten years ago. Famously dubbed the “Bowling Green Massacre”, the Buckeyes, led by Iraqi-refugee combo-guard D’Andre Hussein Mohammed, held the Falcons to just 18-of-76 from the field… Read More Ohio State Fans Celebrate 10th Anniversary of Bowling Green Massacre

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Duke to Play Naked After Consecutive Wins Following Ban on Clothing

Durham, NC – After winning two straight games following a ban on wearing any clothing emblazoned with their university logo imposed by head coach Mike Kryzekqxvziy#ksi, the Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball team will play the rest of their season completely naked in an effort to capitalize on the now-obvious correlation between clothing restrictions and… Read More Duke to Play Naked After Consecutive Wins Following Ban on Clothing

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Mike Ditka Mistakenly Buys Flight to Seattle, Washington, to Attend Presidential Inauguration

Chicago – Not realizing that Washington D.C. is not the same thing as the state of Washington, a very confused Mike Ditka called American Airlines in a panic late Sunday evening and attempted to rebook his flight from Chicago to attend the Presidential Inauguration. Friends of the former Chicago Bears coach came to his defense, noting… Read More Mike Ditka Mistakenly Buys Flight to Seattle, Washington, to Attend Presidential Inauguration

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Star WR to Skip Bowl Game to Take Sociology Final

Hastings, NE – In a widely criticized decision, University of Nebraska NCAA student-athlete Zachary Hill has decided to forgo playing in Saturday’s Rosemary Salmon Quinoa Bowl in order to take his Sociology 201 final. University officials were perplexed by Hill’s decision and immediately began asking questions of Hill’s sociology professor, Dr. Robert Dorfman, who spoke with reporters in… Read More Star WR to Skip Bowl Game to Take Sociology Final

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Guy in Pick-Up Game Momentarily Considers Playing Defense, Thinks Better of It

Local YMCA – After a failed offensive possession gave way to a potential fast-break opportunity for the opposing team, wing player and self-designated ‘point-forward’ Alex Delleany briefly thought about hustling back to play defense, but ultimately decided against exerting himself. “They were going to score, like, no matter what. And nobody else really got back, either,”… Read More Guy in Pick-Up Game Momentarily Considers Playing Defense, Thinks Better of It

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Obama Under Fire After Oversight Committee Finds Guantanamo Bay Prisoners Forced to Watch ‘Undisputed’

Washington D.C. – President Obama refused to comment on a recently-published report from the House Committee on Homeland Security that revealed Guantanamo Bay prisoners have been forced to watch episodes of FS1’s sports talk show ‘Undisputed’. The 231 page report details a pattern of widespread abuse in which prisoners were sat in reasonably-comfortable chairs for periods of… Read More Obama Under Fire After Oversight Committee Finds Guantanamo Bay Prisoners Forced to Watch ‘Undisputed’

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Guy Outside Pile Completely Certain His Team Recovered Fumble

Cleveland – After arriving just a few seconds late to the chaotic scene, a player for the Red Team standing outside the pile of men was absolutely certain that his team recovered the loose ball, despite having no line of sight whatsoever. Although it was difficult for the untrained eye to decipher from a distance,… Read More Guy Outside Pile Completely Certain His Team Recovered Fumble

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Trump to Name Roger Goodell as Director of Health & Human Services

Washington D.C. – President-elect Donald Trump turned heads on Monday when he issued a statement affirming that he plans to ask the current NFL Commissioner to head up the Department of Health & Human Services. Rumors began circulating days earlier that Trump was first interested in hiring Roger Goodell to head up the Occupational Safety & Healthy Administration… Read More Trump to Name Roger Goodell as Director of Health & Human Services

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Reports: Trump ‘Big Fan’ of Skip Bayless

Washington DC – People are saying that Donald Trump is a ‘big fan’ of TV pundit Skip Bayless. “Skip Bayless, great guy, the best guy, really. He’s terrific and his reputation is impeccable,” belched Donald to reporters on the eve of the Presidential election when he was asked about what sports television he preferred. “Great points,… Read More Reports: Trump ‘Big Fan’ of Skip Bayless

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Curt Schilling Dresses Up As Tolerant, Well-Adjusted Human for Halloween

Rhode Island – In an effort to scare away trick-or-treaters and ensure that only he would enjoy his Halloween candy, Curt Schilling paraded around his front lawn as a socially-conscious, respectable citizen on Monday night. Wearing a casual outfit of corduroy pants and a long-sleeve ‘Save The Rainforest’ tee-shirt lathered with paint stains from a… Read More Curt Schilling Dresses Up As Tolerant, Well-Adjusted Human for Halloween

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