Houston – Following ESPN’s decision to remove commentator Robert Lee from the sidelines of a UVA football game and FOX’s decision to remove cameraman Benedict Arnold from an upcoming Patriots showdown, the Mets have decided to bench ace Matt Harvey against the Houston Astros. “It just felt wrong,” said Mets skipper, Terry Collins, “to have… Read More Mets Bench Harvey Against Houston
Rhode Island – In an effort to scare away trick-or-treaters and ensure that only he would enjoy his Halloween candy, Curt Schilling paraded around his front lawn as a socially-conscious, respectable citizen on Monday night. Wearing a casual outfit of corduroy pants and a long-sleeve ‘Save The Rainforest’ tee-shirt lathered with paint stains from a… Read More Curt Schilling Dresses Up As Tolerant, Well-Adjusted Human for Halloween
Flushing, NY – What began with an unsuccessful tenure as a quarterback for the New York Jets has finally come full circle, as Tim Tebow took the final step in his several-year conversion process and signed with the New York Mets organization. Mets team Rabbi, Jeff Rubenstein, called it “a holy day” and welcomed Tebow into the… Read More Tebow Completes Conversion to Judaism with Mets Signing
Los Angeles – Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw will fly to Germany and undergo experimental surgery to have his entire lower back removed, according to Dodgers spokesman Ari Fleshbinger. Kershaw has been experiencing back problems for several weeks now and sees lower-back-removal surgery as the best course of action. “Thanks to advances in modern medicine, Clayton… Read More Kershaw to Have Lower-Back Removed
San Diego – While walking to capture a Pokemon on a beach just north of San Diego, Karen Sherwood discovered a home run ball hit by Giancarlo Stanton during Monday night’s HR Derby. Sherwood left her house for the first time in three days to capture a Charmander when she found the baseball just sitting on the… Read More Pokémon Go Player Finds Stanton HR Derby Ball
St. Petersburg – While at a barbecue early Saturday afternoon, Joseph Bujikowski told three of his friends that he “totally understand[s]” how the College World Series actually functions. “There’s like first these regional games where you play mostly people in your region,” waxed Bujikowski as he accidentally over-poured ketchup onto his burger after vigorously shaking the… Read More Man Claims to Understand How College Baseball World Series Works
Kansas City – Mildly-enthusiastic fan Gabe Appleton grew deeply annoyed during Tuesday night’s Kansas City Royals game when he was politely asked by three separate fans over the course of two innings to scrunch aside so they could exit the row to use the bathroom. “Just watch the damn game,” Appleton muttered to himself as a 10-year-old fan who… Read More Fan in Aisle Seat Appalled That Others Must Occasionally Get Up And Exit Row
Atlanta – Aaron Jefferstein was originally flabbergasted that a slice of pizza could cost $9, though he went on to tell his friends that it was “actually pretty good.” Enjoying the Braves game from section 319, Aaron continued to rave about the pizza as his friends looked at their phones and nodded in agreement. “I mean, it’s… Read More Local Fan Insists $9 Ballpark Pizza “Actually Pretty Good”
Havana – President Obama attended a historic baseball game in Cuba on Tuesday that lasted only 36 minutes due to the lack of constant advertising and stadium gimmicks. The game between the Cuban National Team and Tampa Bay Rays went a full nine innings. “That was great,” said President Obama speaking to the American sports media in… Read More Cuban Game Takes Only 36min Without Advertisements
QUEENS – Mets fans rejoiced after post-season hero Daniel Murphy signed a three-year contract with their division rival Washington Nationals, thereby ending an unspoken pact among the Mets faithful never to discuss the second basemen’s overt homophobia. “It was such a difficult year,” lamented long-time Mets fan and Queens native Emiliano Suarez. “Normally, I would… Read More Mets Fans Finally Able to Discuss Murphy’s Homophobia After Slugger Signs with Rival Nationals
The Hyperbolic Chamber 