New York, New York – Multiple sources have confirmed that former FIFA President, Sepp Blatter, was in attendance for the infamous campaign meeting with nefarious characters that took place at Trump Tower on June 9th, 2016. “It is not possible to say whether or not I was at the meeting,” Blatter claimed, despite the revelations… Read More Breaking: Sepp Blatter Attended Controversial Meeting at Trump Tower
Rio de Janeiro – Rio police now suspect the entire US Swim Team were involved in a late-night robbery at a gas station just outside the athletes village. Video footage shows everyone on the men’s and women’s US team as they put on masks and brandished assault weapons in an attempt to steal several hundred dollars after… Read More US Swim Team Wanted for Armed Robbery
Rio de Janeiro – Extensive DNA testing of the Olympic pool water has confirmed what many feared would happen: Ryan Lochte has peed in the pool. Officials grew suspicious after Lochte hung onto the lane line for an unusual amount of time following the 200M Individual Medley. “It looked like [Lochte] was just trying to read the scoreboard… Read More Lochte Disqualified for Peeing in Pool
Rio de Janeiro – The IOC has finally issued a proclamation that all Russian horses involved in equestrian events will be banned from further competition in the 2016 Olympics. These horses are the latest in a series of high-profile suspensions that came following the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) investigation which unveiled a rigorous state-run doping program… Read More Russian Equestrian Horses Banned for Doping
Rio de Janeiro – Experts now suggest that many of the problems in Rio leading up to the start of the Olympic Games are the result of the almost-mythical 2011 robbery that destroyed much of the city’s transportation infrastructure. The heist, allegedly perpetrated by a noticeably diverse crew led by internationally-acclaimed street racer, Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto, ruined miles of… Read More Reports: Rio Still Recovering from Legendary Heist as Olympics Approach
Georgia State Penitentiary – According to various sources, Javaris Crittenton has taken himself out of the running for the upcoming Summer Olympics. “Javaris is actually in great shape,” noted his agent/appeals attorney, Keith Dobbins, “he exercises every day, for exactly an hour, actually. But he has decided to opt out of consideration for Team USA due to,… Read More Sources: Javaris Crittenton to Skip Rio Olympics
Zurich – The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is prepared to vote on a motion to include Freeze-Tag as a trial sport for the 2024 Olympic program. IOC officials have been reportedly looking to add a tag-based program to the Olympic roster for years, ultimately deciding on Freeze-Tag given its incredible athletic requirements. “We have all… Read More Freeze-Tag Considered for 2024 Olympics
Rio De Janeiro – While many athletes are complaining about the heavily polluted waters leading up to the 2016 Olympic Games in Brazil, Hans Bergenbeim has decided to use the situation to his advantage, opting to keep the third arm he recently grew after a few practice sessions at the Rio venue. “When life gives you… Read More Olympic Sailor Grows Advantageous Third Arm After Practicing in Rio Waters
OTTAWA, ON – Team Canada added its name to the list of international sporting organizations that have been rocked by major doping scandals today, when an investigation by the BBC revealed a systemic, organized performance enhancing drug program. A 17 month investigation culminated in widespread accusations that the Canadian team has been running a secret program to administer a… Read More Doping Scandal Rocks Canadian Curling
The Hyperbolic Chamber 