Reports: Rio Still Recovering from Legendary Heist as Olympics Approach

vaultRio de Janeiro – Experts now suggest that many of the problems in Rio leading up to the start of the Olympic Games are the result of the almost-mythical 2011 robbery that destroyed much of the city’s transportation infrastructure. The heist, allegedly perpetrated by a noticeably diverse crew led by internationally-acclaimed street racer, Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto,  ruined miles of city blocks when a bank vault containing exactly $100 million was torn from a police station and towed around the city by several expert drivers in American sedans. A report co-authored by several prominent academics at the Universidad de Rio (Online) found the heist to have caused nearly $6.8 billion in damages to structures that have gone largely without repair since the catastrophic crime. When asked whether or not the damage would have a direct impact on the Games, a spokesman for the Rio government simply lifted both of his arms shoulder-height and yelled “THIS IS BRAZIL”, at which point a group of seemingly-innocent civilians produced a litany of illegal firearms, instantly ending the conversation.

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