Messi Complains of ‘Strange Knee Pain’ After Posing for Photo

Argentina – Just minutes after uploading a photo of himself while walking his dog, Argentine soccer sensation Lionel Messi noticed a sharp pain in both of his knees. “I’m not sure what happened… I woke up, got dressed, and went out for a walk. Suddenly, I felt a strange knee pain in both legs,” a mystified… Read More Messi Complains of ‘Strange Knee Pain’ After Posing for Photo

U.S. Soccer Federation Countersues, Demands Mediocrity In Exchange For Equal Pay

Washington D.C. – Reacting to a lawsuit filed by members of the U.S. Women’s National Team against the U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) demanding equal pay for equal work, the USSF filed a counter-suit in a Minneapolis federal court on Thursday, arguing that the women’s team would have to abandon their level of consistent success to be considered equal… Read More U.S. Soccer Federation Countersues, Demands Mediocrity In Exchange For Equal Pay

FIFA Arrests Derail Valiant Attempt at Hotel Status

ZURICH – CONCACAF President Alfredo Hawit’s year-long effort to finally accumulate enough qualifying hotel nights to earn Platinum Elite Status came to an end Wednesday evening, when he was arrested at the Baur au Lac hotel just hours before what would have been his much-needed fiftieth night of 2015. “One day, just one more fucking day,” muttered Hawit,… Read More FIFA Arrests Derail Valiant Attempt at Hotel Status