Category: Soccer

Local Mom Secretly Fears Daughter’s Inability to Arrive On Time to Club Soccer Practice After Her Local League Game Finishes

Longmeadow, MA – On Friday evening, Karen (McGiven) Taylor privately shared doubts with her husband that their daughter, Kelly (9), would be able to make it to the 12pm start of her club team practice following her local soccer league game at 9:30am. The elite Western Massachusetts soccer club explicitly forbids its players from participating… Read More Local Mom Secretly Fears Daughter’s Inability to Arrive On Time to Club Soccer Practice After Her Local League Game Finishes

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Breaking: Sepp Blatter Attended Controversial Meeting at Trump Tower

New York, New York – Multiple sources have confirmed that former FIFA President, Sepp Blatter, was in attendance for the infamous campaign meeting with nefarious characters that took place at Trump Tower on June 9th, 2016. “It is not possible to say whether or not I was at the meeting,” Blatter claimed, despite the revelations… Read More Breaking: Sepp Blatter Attended Controversial Meeting at Trump Tower

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Messi Complains of ‘Strange Knee Pain’ After Posing for Photo

Argentina – Just minutes after uploading a photo of himself while walking his dog, Argentine soccer sensation Lionel Messi noticed a sharp pain in both of his knees. “I’m not sure what happened… I woke up, got dressed, and went out for a walk. Suddenly, I felt a strange knee pain in both legs,” a mystified… Read More Messi Complains of ‘Strange Knee Pain’ After Posing for Photo

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U.S. Soccer Federation Countersues, Demands Mediocrity In Exchange For Equal Pay

Washington D.C. – Reacting to a lawsuit filed by members of the U.S. Women’s National Team against the U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) demanding equal pay for equal work, the USSF filed a counter-suit in a Minneapolis federal court on Thursday, arguing that the women’s team would have to abandon their level of consistent success to be considered equal… Read More U.S. Soccer Federation Countersues, Demands Mediocrity In Exchange For Equal Pay

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FIFA Arrests Derail Valiant Attempt at Hotel Status

ZURICH – CONCACAF President Alfredo Hawit’s year-long effort to finally accumulate enough qualifying hotel nights to earn Platinum Elite Status came to an end Wednesday evening, when he was arrested at the Baur au Lac hotel just hours before what would have been his much-needed fiftieth night of 2015. “One day, just one more fucking day,” muttered Hawit,… Read More FIFA Arrests Derail Valiant Attempt at Hotel Status

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