FIFA Arrests Derail Valiant Attempt at Hotel Status

platinumZURICH – CONCACAF President Alfredo Hawit’s year-long effort to finally accumulate enough qualifying hotel nights to earn Platinum Elite Status came to an end Wednesday evening, when he was arrested at the Baur au Lac hotel just hours before what would have been his much-needed fiftieth night of 2015. “One day, just one more fucking day,” muttered Hawit, shaking his head in disgust as he was escorted out of the hotel by Swiss authorities. “Free upgrades to a Deluxe room, late checkout, discounts on award-winning continental breakfasts… I was so close this time,” he added. Swiss authorities claim the timing of the arrest was entirely coincidental and that they had no specific interest in preventing Hawit from achieving Platinum Elite Status, as those benefits will likely be meaningless following the completion of the Starwood/Marriott merger anyway.

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