Jahlil Okafor Suspended Four Games for War Crimes; Ponzi Scheme

okaforPHILADELPHIA – The Philadelphia 76ers have suspended standout rookie, Jahlil Okafor, for four games, following a rare joint-indictment by Interpol and U.S. Department of Justice for his role in numerous war crimes and the orchestration of a massive Ponzi scheme. After years of meticulous investigation, Interpol and the DOJ issued a damning statement arguing that Okafor has single-handedly been the driving force between a series of willful breaches of the Geneva Convention dating as far back as World War II, as well as the mastermind behind a decades-long pyramid scheme to defraud thousands of investors. The indictments were jointly-filed with the International Criminal Court late Wednesday afternoon following TMZ’s release of a grainy video that appears to show Okafor committing several war crimes outside a Philadelphia nightclub.

While Okafor has yet to be tried and convicted, the 76ers organization felt that a four game suspension was justified. “Jahlil’s made some mistakes and [he] needs to understand that there are consequences, but he’s our guy and we’re going to help him through this,” offered General Manager, Sam Hinkie. Hinkie refused to answer repeated questions from reporters about accusations that the 76ers planted evidence against Okafor in an attempt to maximize their chances of acquiring the #1 overall pick in the 2016 draft.

Rather than issuing a formal statement, Okafor and his defense team responded to the allegations in a series of over 35 tweets. “I want to apologize to my teammates, coaches, fans, and the organization for any distraction this may have caused […] I am solely responsible and I will fully accept my suspension” read tweets 16 and 18 (in tweet 17, Okafor retweeted a video of a kitten stuck in a paper towel tube).

If found guilty, Okafor could face severe penalties for each offense. War crimes carry a possible life sentence while the maximum penalty for financial crimes committed in the United States is a $300 fine and a tough interview on 60 Minutes.

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