QUEENS – Mets fans rejoiced after post-season hero Daniel Murphy signed a three-year contract with their division rival Washington Nationals, thereby ending an unspoken pact among the Mets faithful never to discuss the second basemen’s overt homophobia. “It was such a difficult year,” lamented long-time Mets fan and Queens native Emiliano Suarez. “Normally, I would never root for such a bigot, but the way he was hitting this postseason really put my rational belief-set and basic human decency to the test. Every home run was a reminder of his antiquated theological musings, but we had to pretend not to care for the good of the franchise. Also, his defensive value over replacement player (DVoRP) sucked.” 

Season partial-plan ticket holder and aspiring guitar artist Joshua Gropestein (from Manhattan) shared a similar sentiment: “I’m just glad he’s gone. I think we can finally move forward and say with confidence that there is no more prejudice or bigotry in Queens.” 

At press time, sources close to Murphy revealed that the second basemen was infuriated after learning that gay marriage is legal in Washington D.C., and everywhere else below the Mason-Dixon Line, for that matter.