Duke to Play Naked After Consecutive Wins Following Ban on Clothing

Durham, NC – After winning two straight games following a ban on wearing any clothing emblazoned with their university logo imposed by head coach Mike Kryzekqxvziy#ksi, the Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball team will play the rest of their season completely naked in an effort to capitalize on the now-obvious correlation between clothing restrictions and… Read More Duke to Play Naked After Consecutive Wins Following Ban on Clothing

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Guy in Pick-Up Game Momentarily Considers Playing Defense, Thinks Better of It

Local YMCA – After a failed offensive possession gave way to a potential fast-break opportunity for the opposing team, wing player and self-designated ‘point-forward’ Alex Delleany briefly thought about hustling back to play defense, but ultimately decided against exerting himself. “They were going to score, like, no matter what. And nobody else really got back, either,”… Read More Guy in Pick-Up Game Momentarily Considers Playing Defense, Thinks Better of It

Warriors Season Over After Opening Night Loss

Golden State – After suffering a devastating opening night loss to their western conference nemesis, the San Antonio Spurs, the Golden State Warriors’ season is officially, unquestionably over. The grand experiment, adding Kevin Durant to an already-stacked Warriors lineup, has been an unequivocal disaster. “We can’t score, can’t stop anybody, can’t win,” said disgruntled Warriors owner… Read More Warriors Season Over After Opening Night Loss

Messi Complains of ‘Strange Knee Pain’ After Posing for Photo

Argentina – Just minutes after uploading a photo of himself while walking his dog, Argentine soccer sensation Lionel Messi noticed a sharp pain in both of his knees. “I’m not sure what happened… I woke up, got dressed, and went out for a walk. Suddenly, I felt a strange knee pain in both legs,” a mystified… Read More Messi Complains of ‘Strange Knee Pain’ After Posing for Photo

Jordan to Donate $750K to Polio Research: “I can’t stay silent any longer”

Charlotte – While Michael Jordan has been intentionally quiet on social issues in the past, the basketball great is breaking his silence and finally speaking out for a cause. “I can’t stay silent any longer,” lamented Jordan, “I’ve sat by and watched this play out for too long.” Jordan will donate $750K – or approximately five… Read More Jordan to Donate $750K to Polio Research: “I can’t stay silent any longer”

Duncan Retires After Fist-Fight With Draymond Green

East Lansing – NBA legend Tim Duncan announced his retirement Monday morning following a late-night altercation with Draymond Green. Details are still emerging, but it looks as though Green instigated the altercation by repeatedly insulting Duncan’s attire, specifically his cargo shorts. Contrary to initial reports that Draymond injured Duncan so badly that Duncan had no choice… Read More Duncan Retires After Fist-Fight With Draymond Green

Lebron To Announce Free Agency Decision on ESPN Special

South Beach- After declining a player-option on his current contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers, Lebron James will announce his free agency destination in a one-hour televised special on ESPN. “I just want to be able to connect with my fans and share my plans for the future with them,” said Lebron, in an interview on… Read More Lebron To Announce Free Agency Decision on ESPN Special

Sources: Javaris Crittenton to Skip Rio Olympics

Georgia State Penitentiary – According to various sources, Javaris Crittenton has taken himself out of the running for the upcoming Summer Olympics. “Javaris is actually in great shape,” noted his agent/appeals attorney, Keith Dobbins, “he exercises every day, for exactly an hour, actually. But he has decided to opt out of consideration for Team USA due to,… Read More Sources: Javaris Crittenton to Skip Rio Olympics

Sacramento Kings Send Durant Recruiting Message on LinkedIn; No Reply

Sacramento – Hoping to appear technologically savvy and “hip”, Sacramento Kings General Manager, Vlade Divac, sent Kevin Durant a message on LinkedIn in an effort to recruit the former-MVP free agent. The Hyperbolic Chamber was able to obtain a copy of the InMail®: At press time, Durant has yet to reply, however sources connected to… Read More Sacramento Kings Send Durant Recruiting Message on LinkedIn; No Reply