Washington D.C. – In a calculated effort to bolster his athletic stature, new gym member, Oliver Stevens, age 32, engaged in a complex warmup routine while waiting to join the next pickup basketball game. Eager to “set the right tone”, Oliver improvised a series of calisthenics and dynamic stretches which he executed to perfection along… Read More New Guy At Gym Attempts to Intimidate Pickup Game Players With Elaborate Stretching Routine
Sacramento – No, they didn’t. They got hosed.
Columbus, OH – Fans of the Buckeyes men’s basketball program took to Twitter yesterday to relive the historic 112-53 blowout win over in-state rival Bowling Green that took place just ten years ago. Famously dubbed the “Bowling Green Massacre”, the Buckeyes, led by Iraqi-refugee combo-guard D’Andre Hussein Mohammed, held the Falcons to just 18-of-76 from the field… Read More Ohio State Fans Celebrate 10th Anniversary of Bowling Green Massacre
Durham, NC – After winning two straight games following a ban on wearing any clothing emblazoned with their university logo imposed by head coach Mike Kryzekqxvziy#ksi, the Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball team will play the rest of their season completely naked in an effort to capitalize on the now-obvious correlation between clothing restrictions and… Read More Duke to Play Naked After Consecutive Wins Following Ban on Clothing
Local YMCA – After a failed offensive possession gave way to a potential fast-break opportunity for the opposing team, wing player and self-designated ‘point-forward’ Alex Delleany briefly thought about hustling back to play defense, but ultimately decided against exerting himself. “They were going to score, like, no matter what. And nobody else really got back, either,”… Read More Guy in Pick-Up Game Momentarily Considers Playing Defense, Thinks Better of It
Golden State – After suffering a devastating opening night loss to their western conference nemesis, the San Antonio Spurs, the Golden State Warriors’ season is officially, unquestionably over. The grand experiment, adding Kevin Durant to an already-stacked Warriors lineup, has been an unequivocal disaster. “We can’t score, can’t stop anybody, can’t win,” said disgruntled Warriors owner… Read More Warriors Season Over After Opening Night Loss
Miami – While team physicians for the Miami Heat are unsure whether or not Chris Bosh will ever be medically cleared to return to his basketball career, NFL doctors wasted no time in approving Bosh to begin full-contact football should he wish to try out for the NFL. “He can play this weekend, if he gets signed,” noted… Read More Chris Bosh Cleared by NFL Doctors