Cleveland – Although Cleveland was not in the lottery and thus had literally a 0.00% statistical chance in lucking into the first overall pick, they somehow managed to snatch up the first overall pick for the third time in three years. “It was a real long-shot,” noted Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, “I definitely didn’t see that one… Read More Cleveland Cavaliers Win 2016 NBA Lottery Despite Odds
New York – Despite being one of the most loathed opponents in the storied history of the New York Knickerbockers basketball franchise, sources close to the Knicks’ front office have confirmed that the Knicks have considered offering the head coaching job to Reggie Miller simply to get him off the air during nationally televised NBA games.… Read More Report: Knicks Consider Hiring Reggie Miller Just To Get Him Off Television
Golden State – After several years of displaying the product with the hopes of winning an endorsement, Steph Curry has finally signed a lucrative contract with Invisalign®. As part of their negotiated deal, the company has asked Steph to refrain from putting their product behind his ear, wedged into his jersey, chewing on it, and holding it… Read More Curry Finally Inks Invisalign® Endorsement
Golden State – Superstar Warriors guard Stephen Curry announced that he currently plans to retire at some point during the next 5-20 years of his career, prompting the beginning of an unprecedented 410-1640 game retirement tour around the NBA. Alluding to the fanfare given to Kobe Bryant during his final NBA season, the Warriors expect… Read More Curry Announces He’ll Retire in 5-20 Years, Begins Farewell Tour
Somewhere in Louisiana – Officials at Louisiana Tech University are reportedly “baffled” that their decision to hire a 23-year-old head coach of the women’s basketball team has apparently “not worked out too well,” as one administrator put it. Coach Tyler Summitt, now 25, resigned Friday over reports that he had an extramarital affair and impregnated one of… Read More LA Tech Administrators Shocked That Hiring 23-year-old Head Coach Backfires
Des Moines – For the third year in a row, Gretchen, an associate director in the accounting department, won the company March Madness pool by sticking with her foolproof strategy of picking winners based on team mascots. “It’s so fun to think about all the animals and stuff,” chirped Gretchen, who is not a fan… Read More Gretchen from Accounting Wins March Madness Pool After Picking Mascots, Again
San Antonio – Spurs players are furious with Manu Ginobili after a secretly-taped video of Tim Duncan speaking with Ginobili was leaked to the media. In the video, a transcript of which can be found below, Tim Duncan reveals that he occasionally stays up past his 10pm bedtime and sometimes doesn’t make his bed in the… Read More Report: Spurs Angry with Manu Ginobili Over Leaked Tim Duncan Video
Philadelphia – According to a source inside the Phildadelphia 76ers font office, the horrific decisions which have defined the franchise for the past few seasons were all part of an elaborate plot to alienate fans and drop attendance so low that the team could relocate to Las Vegas. The source revealed that several years ago, the ownership… Read More Report: 76ers Strategy a Ploy to Relocate Team to Vegas
Providence – At halftime during the first round NCAA tournament game between the UNC-Wilmington Seahawks and Duke Blue Devils, an anonymous twitter account was able to obtain and publish the final score. While the Seahawks were leading 31-29 at the end of the half, the twitter handle @NCAASpoiler revealed during the CBS halftime show that… Read More Winner of Round One Game Leaked During Halftime
San Francisco – The Golden State Warriors organization and Coach Steve Kerr have each been fined $500k after a formal investigation by the NBA league office revealed that the Warriors input cheat codes that have effectively ‘broken’ the game of basketball and enabled star guard Stephen Curry to bend the laws of physics and probability. After… Read More Report: NBA Fines Warriors, Kerr for Using Cheat Codes
The Hyperbolic Chamber 