San Francisco – The Golden State Warriors organization and Coach Steve Kerr have each been fined $500k after a formal investigation by the NBA league office revealed that the Warriors input cheat codes that have effectively ‘broken’ the game of basketball and enabled star guard Stephen Curry to bend the laws of physics and probability. After… Read More Report: NBA Fines Warriors, Kerr for Using Cheat Codes
Rio De Janeiro – While many athletes are complaining about the heavily polluted waters leading up to the 2016 Olympic Games in Brazil, Hans Bergenbeim has decided to use the situation to his advantage, opting to keep the third arm he recently grew after a few practice sessions at the Rio venue. “When life gives you… Read More Olympic Sailor Grows Advantageous Third Arm After Practicing in Rio Waters
Sacramento – Last ditch efforts by the King’s front office to make a trade before Thursday’s deadline were derailed late Wednesday night when Kings General Manager, Vlade Divac, was unable to access ESPN’s NBA Trade Machine website due to scheduled monthly maintenance. Sources close to the Kings reported that Divac had been furiously trying to… Read More Routine Maintenance to ESPN Trade Machine Website Shuts Down Kings’ Deadline Deals
New York – After reports re-surfaced regarding an alleged sexual assault committed by Peyton Manning while at the University of Tennessee, a separate investigation conducted by the NFL found that Tom Brady and Patriots’ coach, Bill Belichik, were entirely responsible for the incident in question. “Our investigation has unequivocally found that Tom Brady and coach Belichick traveled… Read More Report: NFL Finds Brady & Belichick Responsible for Manning’s Collegiate Transgressions
Santa Clara – Lady Gaga announced her retirement Monday morning, just after leaving the Westgate Superbook in Las Vegas where she reportedly wagered her entire net worth of $230 million that her National Anthem at the Superbowl would last longer than 2 minutes 20 seconds. “Absolute no brainer,” said Gaga, who was appalled that previous anthem… Read More Lady Gaga Retires After Cashing-in on ‘Over’ Bet for National Anthem
Florida – Researchers at the University of Miami recently discovered archival footage of former NFL official and current TV replay analyst, Mike Carey, discussing the results of the 2000 election during the immediate aftermath on local CBS affiliate, WFOR-TV, in Miami. “As I see it here upon further review, the chad is hanging just a little… Read More Report: Mike Carey Predicted Gore Would Win 2000 Election After Review
Washington D.C. – Upon exiting the Verizon Center arena following a game in which the Wizards lost 117-113 to the Denver Nuggets, Wizards fan Dave Cartwright expressed his profound love for the constant stream of rap instrumentals played during the game. “I used to go to games and get stuck focusing on basketball. Now, I get a constant… Read More Local NBA Fan Thrilled That Arena Constantly Plays Music During Gameplay
St. Louis City Hospital – Heading into Sunday’s AFC Championship Game, wide receiver Wes Welker anticipates that he will clear the concussion protocols and be eligible to play. “I feel great,” cooed Welker, “I feel alert, focused, energized, and alert… and focused.” Known for his toughness and desire, Welker made headlines earlier this year expressing his excitement… Read More Welker Believes He Will Pass Concussion Test; Play Sunday
Sydney – Responding to allegations that tennis has been subject to organized match-fixing, superstar Novak Djokovic insists that he will win his next match at the Australian Open to prove that the sport is clean. “Nobody is fixing my matches for betting,” announced a frustrated Djokovic. “To prove it, I’m going to win my next match by winning the first… Read More Djokovic To Win First & Third Sets in Next Match To Prove Tennis Isn’t Fixed
ST. LOUIS – At a press conference late Tuesday evening, Mayor Francis G. Slay announced that the entire city would follow the Rams and relocate to Southern California. With the mayor’s encouragement, the St. Louis City Council unanimously voted to relocate the entire city’s infrastructure and population beginning this summer. The move will be completed by 2019.… Read More Entire City of St. Louis to Relocate to Southern California
The Hyperbolic Chamber 