Atlanta – Aaron Jefferstein was originally flabbergasted that a slice of pizza could cost $9, though he went on to tell his friends that it was “actually pretty good.” Enjoying the Braves game from section 319, Aaron continued to rave about the pizza as his friends looked at their phones and nodded in agreement. “I mean, it’s… Read More Local Fan Insists $9 Ballpark Pizza “Actually Pretty Good”
Golden State – Superstar Warriors guard Stephen Curry announced that he currently plans to retire at some point during the next 5-20 years of his career, prompting the beginning of an unprecedented 410-1640 game retirement tour around the NBA. Alluding to the fanfare given to Kobe Bryant during his final NBA season, the Warriors expect… Read More Curry Announces He’ll Retire in 5-20 Years, Begins Farewell Tour
Somewhere in Louisiana – Officials at Louisiana Tech University are reportedly “baffled” that their decision to hire a 23-year-old head coach of the women’s basketball team has apparently “not worked out too well,” as one administrator put it. Coach Tyler Summitt, now 25, resigned Friday over reports that he had an extramarital affair and impregnated one of… Read More LA Tech Administrators Shocked That Hiring 23-year-old Head Coach Backfires
Des Moines – For the third year in a row, Gretchen, an associate director in the accounting department, won the company March Madness pool by sticking with her foolproof strategy of picking winners based on team mascots. “It’s so fun to think about all the animals and stuff,” chirped Gretchen, who is not a fan… Read More Gretchen from Accounting Wins March Madness Pool After Picking Mascots, Again
Washington D.C. – Reacting to a lawsuit filed by members of the U.S. Women’s National Team against the U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) demanding equal pay for equal work, the USSF filed a counter-suit in a Minneapolis federal court on Thursday, arguing that the women’s team would have to abandon their level of consistent success to be considered equal… Read More U.S. Soccer Federation Countersues, Demands Mediocrity In Exchange For Equal Pay
San Antonio – Spurs players are furious with Manu Ginobili after a secretly-taped video of Tim Duncan speaking with Ginobili was leaked to the media. In the video, a transcript of which can be found below, Tim Duncan reveals that he occasionally stays up past his 10pm bedtime and sometimes doesn’t make his bed in the… Read More Report: Spurs Angry with Manu Ginobili Over Leaked Tim Duncan Video
Philadelphia – According to a source inside the Phildadelphia 76ers font office, the horrific decisions which have defined the franchise for the past few seasons were all part of an elaborate plot to alienate fans and drop attendance so low that the team could relocate to Las Vegas. The source revealed that several years ago, the ownership… Read More Report: 76ers Strategy a Ploy to Relocate Team to Vegas
Havana – President Obama attended a historic baseball game in Cuba on Tuesday that lasted only 36 minutes due to the lack of constant advertising and stadium gimmicks. The game between the Cuban National Team and Tampa Bay Rays went a full nine innings. “That was great,” said President Obama speaking to the American sports media in… Read More Cuban Game Takes Only 36min Without Advertisements
Providence – At halftime during the first round NCAA tournament game between the UNC-Wilmington Seahawks and Duke Blue Devils, an anonymous twitter account was able to obtain and publish the final score. While the Seahawks were leading 31-29 at the end of the half, the twitter handle @NCAASpoiler revealed during the CBS halftime show that… Read More Winner of Round One Game Leaked During Halftime
Australia – Facing allegations of intentionally taking a banned substance, meldonium, tennis star Maria Sharapova cited her recent history of mediocre performances as evidence that the substance was not performance enhancing. “I think my record speaks for itself,” quipped Sharapova at a press conference yesterday. “I haven’t won a hard court major in years, so clearly, this substance isn’t… Read More Sharapova Cites Recent Play As Evidence That Drugs Were Not Performance Enhancing
The Hyperbolic Chamber 