Australia – Facing allegations of intentionally taking a banned substance, meldonium, tennis star Maria Sharapova cited her recent history of mediocre performances as evidence that the substance was not performance enhancing. “I think my record speaks for itself,” quipped Sharapova at a press conference yesterday. “I haven’t won a hard court major in years, so clearly, this substance isn’t helping much as far as speed and strength are concerned.”

While many pundits fear that this event signals dark days ahead for the sport of tennis, Sharapova was much more lighthearted than reporters expected. “Performance enhancing, more like, performance un-enhancing, am I right?” Sharapova continued: “And who came up with the name ‘meldonium’? I mean, seriously. Is that supposed to be a brand that you look forward to ingesting once every day except during the one week that WADA does drug testing? No thank you….”