Rio de Janeiro – The IOC has finally issued a proclamation that all Russian horses involved in equestrian events will be banned from further competition in the 2016 Olympics. These horses are the latest in a series of high-profile suspensions that came following the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) investigation which unveiled a rigorous state-run doping program… Read More Russian Equestrian Horses Banned for Doping
Rio de Janeiro – Experts now suggest that many of the problems in Rio leading up to the start of the Olympic Games are the result of the almost-mythical 2011 robbery that destroyed much of the city’s transportation infrastructure. The heist, allegedly perpetrated by a noticeably diverse crew led by internationally-acclaimed street racer, Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto, ruined miles of… Read More Reports: Rio Still Recovering from Legendary Heist as Olympics Approach
Charlotte – While Michael Jordan has been intentionally quiet on social issues in the past, the basketball great is breaking his silence and finally speaking out for a cause. “I can’t stay silent any longer,” lamented Jordan, “I’ve sat by and watched this play out for too long.” Jordan will donate $750K – or approximately five… Read More Jordan to Donate $750K to Polio Research: “I can’t stay silent any longer”
Los Angeles – Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw will fly to Germany and undergo experimental surgery to have his entire lower back removed, according to Dodgers spokesman Ari Fleshbinger. Kershaw has been experiencing back problems for several weeks now and sees lower-back-removal surgery as the best course of action. “Thanks to advances in modern medicine, Clayton… Read More Kershaw to Have Lower-Back Removed
San Diego – While walking to capture a Pokemon on a beach just north of San Diego, Karen Sherwood discovered a home run ball hit by Giancarlo Stanton during Monday night’s HR Derby. Sherwood left her house for the first time in three days to capture a Charmander when she found the baseball just sitting on the… Read More Pokémon Go Player Finds Stanton HR Derby Ball
East Lansing – NBA legend Tim Duncan announced his retirement Monday morning following a late-night altercation with Draymond Green. Details are still emerging, but it looks as though Green instigated the altercation by repeatedly insulting Duncan’s attire, specifically his cargo shorts. Contrary to initial reports that Draymond injured Duncan so badly that Duncan had no choice… Read More Duncan Retires After Fist-Fight With Draymond Green
South Beach- After declining a player-option on his current contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers, Lebron James will announce his free agency destination in a one-hour televised special on ESPN. “I just want to be able to connect with my fans and share my plans for the future with them,” said Lebron, in an interview on… Read More Lebron To Announce Free Agency Decision on ESPN Special
Georgia State Penitentiary – According to various sources, Javaris Crittenton has taken himself out of the running for the upcoming Summer Olympics. “Javaris is actually in great shape,” noted his agent/appeals attorney, Keith Dobbins, “he exercises every day, for exactly an hour, actually. But he has decided to opt out of consideration for Team USA due to,… Read More Sources: Javaris Crittenton to Skip Rio Olympics
Waco – Baylor University students and boosters were shocked when the football team announced Wednesday that 5-star prospect, Andrew Jenkins, had signed a letter of intent to play football for the Bears next fall. To date, Jenkins has yet to be indicted or even suspected of any criminal wrongdoing, making his recruitment an outlier for… Read More Baylor Signs 5-Star Prospect Despite Lack of Criminal Record
St. Petersburg – While at a barbecue early Saturday afternoon, Joseph Bujikowski told three of his friends that he “totally understand[s]” how the College World Series actually functions. “There’s like first these regional games where you play mostly people in your region,” waxed Bujikowski as he accidentally over-poured ketchup onto his burger after vigorously shaking the… Read More Man Claims to Understand How College Baseball World Series Works
The Hyperbolic Chamber 