Golden State – After suffering a devastating opening night loss to their western conference nemesis, the San Antonio Spurs, the Golden State Warriors’ season is officially, unquestionably over. The grand experiment, adding Kevin Durant to an already-stacked Warriors lineup, has been an unequivocal disaster. “We can’t score, can’t stop anybody, can’t win,” said disgruntled Warriors owner… Read More Warriors Season Over After Opening Night Loss
Ann Arbor – Inspired by the fashion choices of their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, the Wolverines will wear alternate uniforms featuring khaki bottoms during their homecoming game against rival Ohio State. The uniforms will likely be pleated and each individual player will decide on whether or not to cuff the bottom of the pants. NCAA uniform… Read More Michigan to Wear Khaki Alternates for Homecoming Game
Lee, MA – Concerned that their brand name has been tarnished beyond repair, a local sports bar has asked its patrons to submit suggestions for a new name after Donald Trump repeatedly referred to his braggadocio about sexually assaulting women as mere “locker room talk”. “We want to assure our patrons that this type of discourse is not… Read More Local Sports Bar Considers Changing Name Following Presidential Debate
Miami – While team physicians for the Miami Heat are unsure whether or not Chris Bosh will ever be medically cleared to return to his basketball career, NFL doctors wasted no time in approving Bosh to begin full-contact football should he wish to try out for the NFL. “He can play this weekend, if he gets signed,” noted… Read More Chris Bosh Cleared by NFL Doctors
Washington – Several prominent players from teams across the NFL are under fire from the league office after sitting ‘Indian-Style’ during the national anthem to protest the overt and systemic discrimination against people of color in the United States. NFL spokesman Greg McWhiterson was asked about the gesture during a press conference on Monday. “While… Read More NFL Players Under Fire for Sitting ‘Indian-Style’ During National Anthem
Flushing, NY – What began with an unsuccessful tenure as a quarterback for the New York Jets has finally come full circle, as Tim Tebow took the final step in his several-year conversion process and signed with the New York Mets organization. Mets team Rabbi, Jeff Rubenstein, called it “a holy day” and welcomed Tebow into the… Read More Tebow Completes Conversion to Judaism with Mets Signing
Bristol – An employee at ESPN’s corporate studios found and released former NBA referee, Steve Javie, from a locked closet where he worked during the NBA playoffs as ESPN’s Referee Analyst. Although the NBA finals concluded in June, staff at ESPN studios had apparently forgotten about Javie and he was only discovered after a janitor… Read More Breaking: Steve Javie Released After Months Trapped in ‘Replay Center’
Rio de Janeiro – Rio police now suspect the entire US Swim Team were involved in a late-night robbery at a gas station just outside the athletes village. Video footage shows everyone on the men’s and women’s US team as they put on masks and brandished assault weapons in an attempt to steal several hundred dollars after… Read More US Swim Team Wanted for Armed Robbery
Rio de Janeiro – Extensive DNA testing of the Olympic pool water has confirmed what many feared would happen: Ryan Lochte has peed in the pool. Officials grew suspicious after Lochte hung onto the lane line for an unusual amount of time following the 200M Individual Medley. “It looked like [Lochte] was just trying to read the scoreboard… Read More Lochte Disqualified for Peeing in Pool
Argentina – Just minutes after uploading a photo of himself while walking his dog, Argentine soccer sensation Lionel Messi noticed a sharp pain in both of his knees. “I’m not sure what happened… I woke up, got dressed, and went out for a walk. Suddenly, I felt a strange knee pain in both legs,” a mystified… Read More Messi Complains of ‘Strange Knee Pain’ After Posing for Photo
The Hyperbolic Chamber 