Seattle – News outlets in the Seattle, WA, area are reporting that Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll has won the $1.3 billion Powerball jackpot. Carroll apparently purchased the winning ticket at a Minneapolis-area convenience store just prior to the Seahawks’ playoff game against the Minnesota Vikings. The Seahawks coach claimed that he originally entered the store… Read More Reports: Pete Carroll Also Wins Powerball Jackpot
WISCONSIN – Confirming what was once considered an amusing urban legend, geneticists at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse proved the existence of Resting Bitch Face, or RBF, with Bears quarterback Jay Cutler providing a critical study input. While the study incorporated a diverse sample of over 80,000 subjects, it was Jay Cutler that provided the… Read More Medical Experts Confirm Existence of “Resting Bitch Face”; Cite Jay Cutler
HOUSTON – Emerging into the parking lot at NRG Stadium following the Texans’ game, die-hard fan and mezzanine-level season ticket holder Joe DePalmer turned to his buddies and defended his decision to bring a homemade sign to the game. “Did you see when JJ [Watt] pointed up towards our section after that sack in the… Read More Adult Fan Insists Bringing Sign to Game Was Good Decision
QUEENS – Mets fans rejoiced after post-season hero Daniel Murphy signed a three-year contract with their division rival Washington Nationals, thereby ending an unspoken pact among the Mets faithful never to discuss the second basemen’s overt homophobia. “It was such a difficult year,” lamented long-time Mets fan and Queens native Emiliano Suarez. “Normally, I would… Read More Mets Fans Finally Able to Discuss Murphy’s Homophobia After Slugger Signs with Rival Nationals
WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ – Coach King Rice and the Monmouth men’s basketball program pulled off a major recruiting coup today when Frankie Sterling, a highly coveted bench player out of Boise, ID, announced his decision to sit on the Hawks bench next year. “We’ve had Frankie on our radar for a long time, even… Read More Monmouth Bench Lands Coveted Recruit
NEW YORK – Following in the footsteps of fellow NBA referee Bill Kennedy, who earlier this week courageously announced his homosexuality, veteran referee Joey Crawford admitted what many NBA fans had come to expect when he came out as awful. “I am proud to be an NBA referee and I am proud to be an… Read More Joey Crawford Comes Out as Awful
BRISTOL – After the Warriors’ first loss dropped the team to 24-1, Skip Bayless felt vindicated. “The Warriors are awful, they are completely overrated,” griped Skip Balyess, the TV analyst well known for his reasonable, highly-rational perspective. “The Warriors are not even a top 20 team – this loss proves my point,” added Bayless, who… Read More Skip Bayless: The Warriors Are ‘Overrated’
ORLANDO – After spending much of the first half of the Orlando Magic game posting selfies on Instagram that he took in the team shop, in line at Sbarro, and next to the cheerleaders who were awkwardly forced to stand in the aisle next to his seat in Section 306, local fan Darrell Baines achieved… Read More Local Fan’s ‘Life Complete’ Following Jumbotron Appearance
ZURICH – CONCACAF President Alfredo Hawit’s year-long effort to finally accumulate enough qualifying hotel nights to earn Platinum Elite Status came to an end Wednesday evening, when he was arrested at the Baur au Lac hotel just hours before what would have been his much-needed fiftieth night of 2015. “One day, just one more fucking day,” muttered Hawit,… Read More FIFA Arrests Derail Valiant Attempt at Hotel Status
PHILADELPHIA – The Philadelphia 76ers have suspended standout rookie, Jahlil Okafor, for four games, following a rare joint-indictment by Interpol and U.S. Department of Justice for his role in numerous war crimes and the orchestration of a massive Ponzi scheme. After years of meticulous investigation, Interpol and the DOJ issued a damning statement arguing that Okafor has single-handedly been… Read More Jahlil Okafor Suspended Four Games for War Crimes; Ponzi Scheme
The Hyperbolic Chamber 