Waco – Baylor University students and boosters were shocked when the football team announced Wednesday that 5-star prospect, Andrew Jenkins, had signed a letter of intent to play football for the Bears next fall. To date, Jenkins has yet to be indicted or even suspected of any criminal wrongdoing, making his recruitment an outlier for… Read More Baylor Signs 5-Star Prospect Despite Lack of Criminal Record
Heartland, USA – Multiple sources confirmed that Donald Trump plans to name Johnny Manziel as his running-mate for the upcoming 2016 presidential election in an effort to appeal to a younger, broader demographic. “Johnny’s wonderful, terrific, great guy, really,” said Trump at a news conference last week, “Who doesn’t like Johnny Football? He’s great, great… Read More Report: Trump to Name Johnny Manziel as Vice President
New York – After reports re-surfaced regarding an alleged sexual assault committed by Peyton Manning while at the University of Tennessee, a separate investigation conducted by the NFL found that Tom Brady and Patriots’ coach, Bill Belichik, were entirely responsible for the incident in question. “Our investigation has unequivocally found that Tom Brady and coach Belichick traveled… Read More Report: NFL Finds Brady & Belichick Responsible for Manning’s Collegiate Transgressions
Santa Clara – Lady Gaga announced her retirement Monday morning, just after leaving the Westgate Superbook in Las Vegas where she reportedly wagered her entire net worth of $230 million that her National Anthem at the Superbowl would last longer than 2 minutes 20 seconds. “Absolute no brainer,” said Gaga, who was appalled that previous anthem… Read More Lady Gaga Retires After Cashing-in on ‘Over’ Bet for National Anthem
Florida – Researchers at the University of Miami recently discovered archival footage of former NFL official and current TV replay analyst, Mike Carey, discussing the results of the 2000 election during the immediate aftermath on local CBS affiliate, WFOR-TV, in Miami. “As I see it here upon further review, the chad is hanging just a little… Read More Report: Mike Carey Predicted Gore Would Win 2000 Election After Review
St. Louis City Hospital – Heading into Sunday’s AFC Championship Game, wide receiver Wes Welker anticipates that he will clear the concussion protocols and be eligible to play. “I feel great,” cooed Welker, “I feel alert, focused, energized, and alert… and focused.” Known for his toughness and desire, Welker made headlines earlier this year expressing his excitement… Read More Welker Believes He Will Pass Concussion Test; Play Sunday
ST. LOUIS – At a press conference late Tuesday evening, Mayor Francis G. Slay announced that the entire city would follow the Rams and relocate to Southern California. With the mayor’s encouragement, the St. Louis City Council unanimously voted to relocate the entire city’s infrastructure and population beginning this summer. The move will be completed by 2019.… Read More Entire City of St. Louis to Relocate to Southern California
Seattle – News outlets in the Seattle, WA, area are reporting that Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll has won the $1.3 billion Powerball jackpot. Carroll apparently purchased the winning ticket at a Minneapolis-area convenience store just prior to the Seahawks’ playoff game against the Minnesota Vikings. The Seahawks coach claimed that he originally entered the store… Read More Reports: Pete Carroll Also Wins Powerball Jackpot
WISCONSIN – Confirming what was once considered an amusing urban legend, geneticists at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse proved the existence of Resting Bitch Face, or RBF, with Bears quarterback Jay Cutler providing a critical study input. While the study incorporated a diverse sample of over 80,000 subjects, it was Jay Cutler that provided the… Read More Medical Experts Confirm Existence of “Resting Bitch Face”; Cite Jay Cutler
HOUSTON – Emerging into the parking lot at NRG Stadium following the Texans’ game, die-hard fan and mezzanine-level season ticket holder Joe DePalmer turned to his buddies and defended his decision to bring a homemade sign to the game. “Did you see when JJ [Watt] pointed up towards our section after that sack in the… Read More Adult Fan Insists Bringing Sign to Game Was Good Decision
The Hyperbolic Chamber 