New England – Tom Brady shocked many supporters when he announced that he planned to skip the New England Patriots victory trip to the White House on Wednesday, albeit not for political reasons. While many of his teammates refused to participate due to their aversion to the anthropomorphized fake-Rolex that now occupies the White House,… Read More Brady Skips White House Visit for a “Family Matters” TV Marathon
New England – Former Patriots wide receiver, Wes Welker, announced on Twitter that he will join many of his “teammates” and skip the celebratory trip to the White House that the Patriots will make later this year. Welker’s announcement caused a media firestorm, largely because Welker has not played for the Patriots since the 2012… Read More Welker Announces He Will Skip Patriots White House Visit
Chicago – Not realizing that Washington D.C. is not the same thing as the state of Washington, a very confused Mike Ditka called American Airlines in a panic late Sunday evening and attempted to rebook his flight from Chicago to attend the Presidential Inauguration. Friends of the former Chicago Bears coach came to his defense, noting… Read More Mike Ditka Mistakenly Buys Flight to Seattle, Washington, to Attend Presidential Inauguration
Washington D.C. – President Obama refused to comment on a recently-published report from the House Committee on Homeland Security that revealed Guantanamo Bay prisoners have been forced to watch episodes of FS1’s sports talk show ‘Undisputed’. The 231 page report details a pattern of widespread abuse in which prisoners were sat in reasonably-comfortable chairs for periods of… Read More Obama Under Fire After Oversight Committee Finds Guantanamo Bay Prisoners Forced to Watch ‘Undisputed’
Washington D.C. – President-elect Donald Trump turned heads on Monday when he issued a statement affirming that he plans to ask the current NFL Commissioner to head up the Department of Health & Human Services. Rumors began circulating days earlier that Trump was first interested in hiring Roger Goodell to head up the Occupational Safety & Healthy Administration… Read More Trump to Name Roger Goodell as Director of Health & Human Services
Washington DC – People are saying that Donald Trump is a ‘big fan’ of TV pundit Skip Bayless. “Skip Bayless, great guy, the best guy, really. He’s terrific and his reputation is impeccable,” belched Donald to reporters on the eve of the Presidential election when he was asked about what sports television he preferred. “Great points,… Read More Reports: Trump ‘Big Fan’ of Skip Bayless
Lee, MA – Concerned that their brand name has been tarnished beyond repair, a local sports bar has asked its patrons to submit suggestions for a new name after Donald Trump repeatedly referred to his braggadocio about sexually assaulting women as mere “locker room talk”. “We want to assure our patrons that this type of discourse is not… Read More Local Sports Bar Considers Changing Name Following Presidential Debate
Heartland, USA – Multiple sources confirmed that Donald Trump plans to name Johnny Manziel as his running-mate for the upcoming 2016 presidential election in an effort to appeal to a younger, broader demographic. “Johnny’s wonderful, terrific, great guy, really,” said Trump at a news conference last week, “Who doesn’t like Johnny Football? He’s great, great… Read More Report: Trump to Name Johnny Manziel as Vice President
The Hyperbolic Chamber 