Sacramento – Hoping to appear technologically savvy and “hip”, Sacramento Kings General Manager, Vlade Divac, sent Kevin Durant a message on LinkedIn in an effort to recruit the former-MVP free agent. The Hyperbolic Chamber was able to obtain a copy of the InMail®: At press time, Durant has yet to reply, however sources connected to… Read More Sacramento Kings Send Durant Recruiting Message on LinkedIn; No Reply
Nashville – Jason Nickermayer was surprised back in May to learn that the hockey season had not ended; he was astonished after turning on the television yesterday to discover that the NHL season had not yet finished. “How is this happening? It’s f–king June,” lambasted Jason. At press time, he still had no intention of watching a single… Read More Casual Fan Even More Surprised to Learn that Hockey is Still Going On
Heartland, USA – Multiple sources confirmed that Donald Trump plans to name Johnny Manziel as his running-mate for the upcoming 2016 presidential election in an effort to appeal to a younger, broader demographic. “Johnny’s wonderful, terrific, great guy, really,” said Trump at a news conference last week, “Who doesn’t like Johnny Football? He’s great, great… Read More Report: Trump to Name Johnny Manziel as Vice President
Cleveland – Although Cleveland was not in the lottery and thus had literally a 0.00% statistical chance in lucking into the first overall pick, they somehow managed to snatch up the first overall pick for the third time in three years. “It was a real long-shot,” noted Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, “I definitely didn’t see that one… Read More Cleveland Cavaliers Win 2016 NBA Lottery Despite Odds
Kansas City – Mildly-enthusiastic fan Gabe Appleton grew deeply annoyed during Tuesday night’s Kansas City Royals game when he was politely asked by three separate fans over the course of two innings to scrunch aside so they could exit the row to use the bathroom. “Just watch the damn game,” Appleton muttered to himself as a 10-year-old fan who… Read More Fan in Aisle Seat Appalled That Others Must Occasionally Get Up And Exit Row
Zurich – The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is prepared to vote on a motion to include Freeze-Tag as a trial sport for the 2024 Olympic program. IOC officials have been reportedly looking to add a tag-based program to the Olympic roster for years, ultimately deciding on Freeze-Tag given its incredible athletic requirements. “We have all… Read More Freeze-Tag Considered for 2024 Olympics
Nashville – Moderately enthusiastic sports fan Jason Nickermayer was shocked after turning on the television this week and observing that the NHL is only in the second-round of the postseason, despite it being May. “Shouldn’t hockey be over in, like, March?” questioned Nickermayer, who subscribes to a fairly strict ‘if there’s no ice outside, there should be no ice inside’… Read More Casual Sports Fan Suprised to Learn Hockey is Still Going On
New York – Despite being one of the most loathed opponents in the storied history of the New York Knickerbockers basketball franchise, sources close to the Knicks’ front office have confirmed that the Knicks have considered offering the head coaching job to Reggie Miller simply to get him off the air during nationally televised NBA games.… Read More Report: Knicks Consider Hiring Reggie Miller Just To Get Him Off Television
Bristol – On the heels of Skip Bayless’ announcement that he will be leaving ESPN this summer, a panel of distinguished philosophers have finally been able to confirm the existence of a benevolent, omnipotent deity. “While countless ontological proofs for the existence of a supreme being have fallen short, Skip’s unexpected departure from popular television programming has finally… Read More Existence of Benevolent God Confirmed as Skip Bayless Announces ESPN Departure
Golden State – After several years of displaying the product with the hopes of winning an endorsement, Steph Curry has finally signed a lucrative contract with Invisalign®. As part of their negotiated deal, the company has asked Steph to refrain from putting their product behind his ear, wedged into his jersey, chewing on it, and holding it… Read More Curry Finally Inks Invisalign® Endorsement
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