NEW YORK CITY – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Thursday that the league office has launched a formal investigation after various sources indicated that the float balloons appeared under-inflated during the first half of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Unconfirmed reports claim that the balloons may have been intentionally deflated just prior to the start of the parade.
“It’s our job to ensure the integrity of inflatable objects everywhere,” argued Goodell, who was in attendance at the parade after learning that Santa Claus would make an appearance. The NFL announced that former NSA Director, Gen. Keith Alexander, had been hired to lead the investigation. “General Alexander is well-respected for his ability to snoop – I mean – investigate foul play. His judgment is beyond question,” assured Goodell.
While the typical penalty for an under-inflated balloon ranges from nothing to a stern talking-to from the event director, NFL spokesman Richard Shapiro insisted that should the investigation reveal any tampering with the balloons, the NFL would seek the maximum allowable penalty for whomever was found responsible. “Suspension, expulsion, federal prison – everything within reason is on the table,” Shapiro admitted.
After news of the investigation broke, some members of the media were quick to criticize the NFL. “This is, unquestionably, the single dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Andy Biender, of the Washington Post. After pausing to think further, he added: “actually, I am not the least bit surprised.” At press time, rumors began to circulate on Twitter that this investigation was merely a smokescreen intended to distract the public from Thursday’s abysmal Eagles vs. Lions matchup.